para kay YZAI!!

Quiet time

Approximately 8 hours prior to my board exams, I got stuck in the middle of an island at Lawton, surrounded by flood waters. It was raining really hard and I didn't have an umbrella and jacket. I was kinda nervous cause I haven't really finished reviewing and it seemed like I'll be spending the night at 7-11 reading my notes. If not for Marky I would probably get to Chrissie's apartment maybe the next day because I couldn't get any cab that would take me there. Anyway, he found me looking like a "basang sisiw" who was kinda irritated and frustrated. He treated me to coffee before taking me to Chrissie's place. I just enjoy spending some quiet time with my baby...

warm and comfy in my baby's jacket

Officially an MD

It was not an easy ride. Well, I guess nobody would every say otherwise. Like most doctors who took the licensure exam, it must have been also one of the most important and the most challenging moments of my life. But unlike most of them, it was difficult and nerve wrecking for me not only because it would give me the right to practice, to be officially called a "doctor," or because I don't want to be the talk of the town as the "the one" who didn't make it, but because it weighed down on me as a real life-or-death situation. My life and my mom's life depend on it tremendously that there really was no room for failure. And I'm so glad and thankful thhat God is really good...He was with me all the way. He gave me a job to somehow sustain my family's needs while I'm reviewing for the boards (thanks Glenn), sent angels who generously lent their books, samplex, and reviewers (thanks a lot Karl and Mac), friends who continuously cheered for me through text and emails, a crazy friend like Chrissie who welcomed me in her apartment so I wouldn't have to come from Las Pinas early in the morning for the exams (also thanks for the coffee and the sounds!), and a loving boyfriend who's always been with me to cheer me on (muwahugs baby!).

I also had series of panic attacks. In fact, I really thought of not appearing on the exam date because I felt that I wasn't really prepared. I just took a leave from work only a week prior to the exam and that was the only time that I started madly flipping through everything! To make things worse, I was also having a PMS (premenstrual syndrome) days before the exam so I wasted about 2 days lying on bed, feeling nauseated and stressed.

When I arrived at Chrissie's apartment, we were in an elated mood. We were optimistic that we'll really be doctors in 2 weeks. We were boosting our confidence by recalling some people who were struggling through med school but still were able to pass the boards in one take. That was mean, I know. Anyway, I was kinda suprised because it seemed that I was the only one who was not familiar with some "good luck charms" for the boards. Chrissie dragged me to Red Ribbon to buy some empanada. Another one is wearing anything red. I was laughing at Chrissie when she wore all her red undies. I thought it was weird.

The feeling that I wasn't really prepared for the exams grew stronger on the first day when I arrived at the College of Holy Spirit. I was carrying 3 reviewers and discreetly reading some notes when I noticed that nobody was carrying any reviewer, people looked confident in their white coats, smiling and greeting each other, as if it's just an ordinary day at the campus! And most people were in red. I thought it was just one of Chrissie's wild ideas but I was proven wrong. There was even a lady who wore a red top matched with red open toe shoes revealing her red pedicure. And the magic empanada! Yes, it was indeed the official lucky charm that only I don't know about. Some people even brought boxes of it. Now I felt that my fighting chance for the passing the boards was starting to diminish. I was not in red and I don't have empanada. And I thought that it was only for the first day of exams. People continued wearing their red apparel and munching empanadas till the last day of exams.

The difficult moment while taking the boards exams was not really during the exam proper...it was during the 10 to 15 minutes of silence and apprehension while sitting and waiting for our exams to be distributed. It was during these moments that I had flashbacks of my years in med school, images of me sitting in the classroom chatting with my seatmates while the professor was yanking about a particular disease that I hope somehow made its way to my neurons somewhere in my brain. It was also during these tensed moments that I got images of me and my dad, and suddenly my eyes got misty with tears. The first subject was Biochemistry. I managed to have one round of reading on it. I was praying so hard that it would suffice...I was relying on luck and on 4 years of biochemistry lectures in college.

I almost fainted during the first day because of starvation. I thought crackers would be enough to last me for the whole day. Good thing Chrissie shared with me some of her empanadas. Now I believed it was really the "lucky empanada" otherwise I'll be losing consciousness on my exam day. So on the succeeding days I brought with me some power chocolate bars (courtesy of Marky) and some canned coffee. Important tip for the future examinees: Load up!

For me, Anatomy was the worst. I felt really bad about it because I spent more time on it compared to other subjects. It made me feel like I didn't study at all. And Kandi and I were laughing at some items which focused on the physiological basis of arousal in men, like the erection and ejaculation. I think I was able to answer those questions not mainly based on Snell textbook but on some issues of FHM and Cosmo.

After the boards, I completely withdrew myself from the world. This was the time for deep contemplation and sleep. I rarely get up from bed. I found comfort under my blanket. I only get up at night to eat and take a bath. And then I go to hibernation again. The thought that the exam results would be unfavorable was so unberable that I'd rather sleep again. That anatomy exam...grrr...

But God works in mysterious ways...I passed. And so were all my friends who took the board exams. We were blessed.

Should get a PF

ahem...ahem...professional pala ah...and so should I start getting paid? haha

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise! Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro. If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you. You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

The Keys to My Heart

I got scared and had panic attack again, and so I decided to blog, but then I saw this from Yzai's blog, so inggitera me strikes again, so here it is...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

An angel in the midst of sadness

Nia Alicia Rabago Jackson
July 6, 2008

She's a little angel sent down from the heavens to enrich our family with love...she came to us exactly 2 years after dad left us to go to a better place.

Dare to be sweet...

Year 2003...Manila...movie date with friends...who would think that...

*sigh*

humming in my head...

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight

I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Insanity Breaks

My day starts at 5am, plunging early in traffic to get to work at Makati. Good thing korean kids are hardworking students, generally speaking, so there's almost no problem teaching them Bio stuff. They're quick to learn and eager to do homework stuff, otherwise, their strict korean parents might cut off their millions worth of allowance and out-of-the-country-vacation privileges. After the tutorial classes, I go straight to UP Manila to grab a quick lunch and study at the Med library. After choosing a suitable study area (one of those claustrophobic places in the library), I open my book and then start reading the part where I stopped the day before. And then few minutes later, I lift the pages and start measuring the thickness of the pages that remains unread. Then sigh in frustration. Probably an hour later, my chest starts hurting, I feel my pulse racing...I'm going into panic mode again. Realizing how many days are left for the boards make me wanna scream hysterically and then faint...black out. Play dead. There were already 2 people who suggested that I'll take the February boards instead of this August, considering all the other stuff that I need to do everyday besides reviewing. I've also thought of that but waiting for another 6 months is just too long. I must remain brave and should take the risk (*gulp*). I dunno...I'm not really sure how I'm going to pull this off...

the eyebags that've transformed already into luggage bags...
i'm also having pimple break outs...

the different coping mechanisms: (1) study really really hard, (2) stare blankly at open spaces,
(3) give in to the insanity by unbreakable laughter...

...or (4) just be happy and confident about it

We're expecting a baby girl!

There will be a new bootilicious-femme-fatale addition to the Rabago clan coming this June. It's my big sister's first baby...(and you were thinking...)...name still undisclosed. We're all excited. Sadly, I would get to see my niece maybe after 2-3 years, the next time my sister gets home here in the country.

Three Pretty White Roses

June 1, 2008

The Scary "Charming" Prediction

I have long been a subscriber for an online daily astrology forecast via email. It was just for plain fun and curiosity. But today was the only forecast that got me startled. For those who have already known me well (aka friends), they would surely understand how this kind of prediction freaks the hell out of me...

Charm City
								Sun Trine Jupiter
								On a scale of one to 10, your charm will top out at 99 -- somewhere between lethal and devastating, that is. There's nothing you can't have, but do be careful not to aim this potent magic at anything -- or anyone -- you really don't want to conquer. Overzealous fans can be so tiring!

Goofy Moment

Today, we were featured at the Philippine Daily Inquirer, A6, as the First Gentleman Mike Arroyo gave the first batch of "Bagong Doktor Para sa Bayan" his sorta congratulations party last Wednesday for graduating internship at the Malacanang Palace. This was one of the series of shots that the official photographers of the Palace took for like a couple of minutes which paralyzed my facial muscles after smiling for too long. Anyway, at the top row, center beside FG is the new PLM president Attorney Tamano, also the official spokesperson of the Opposition Party. With all due respect...he is soooo hot! Hahaha!

What a way to end

And yes, I've finally come to this point when the world suddenly stopped spinning, everything froze in time, and I'm like, lying still in my bed, still perplexed with the reality that it really ended. My internship flew so fast, like flashes of memories sweeping by...all I can remember is that I just kept on going to duties day by day. And today is different, I don't need to go to duties anymore. No more running to sign the attendance first thing in the morning to avoid being crossed out. No more checking on charts for new orders. No more dealing with irksome bantays whenever they feel like their patients were not being attended to quickly or they just wanted to be annoying. No more BE/IVs. And most especially, no more monitoring!

These are the things that I now lovingly put in a really good hiding place. Especially the sphygmo. I don't wanna see them until I pass the board exam. Ngek, everytime I remember the boards, I feel like an impending doom is coming. I'm not pessimistic or anything near that, it's just a mind-rattling-realization that the most crucial part of my career is just 3 months away. 3 months.

While most of my classmates and blockmates are busy reserving a spot in review centers or scheduling their out of town vacations, I'm preoccupied with squeezing in tutorial classes into my own review schedule. Hay, I'm not really sure how I'm going to pull this off but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. God will guide the way as He always does.

Amazingly, there are people who I feel like angels being sent to me as God's way of reminding me that things are going to be okay. They are actually new and old friends. One of them is Dr. Victoria Ang, otherwise known as "Mam Toyang." She said goodbye to me on my last duty at Ward 11. And I was touched when she was teary-eyed while saying how she's gonna miss our block. She said that I'm going to do well in boards and in life, in general, and she must've said that almost every intern in PGH, but it really means a lot to me. Especially that it came from someone who I really look up to. I was even surprised when she gave me a small gift which is so timely and useful for my current situation. No wonder she was chosen by the interns this year as top 1 in Puri List. She really is a gem.
Old friend like an ex-boyfriend is also part of my support system. I'm always grateful to him for always sending text messages motivating me to move forward. I know that it may sound fishy for other people, but some love relationships don't last, but most friendships do. Let's just keep it that way. My other old friends include my good old college barkada. They always know how to cheer me up...make me feel good. They really are angels.

Anyway, I almost forgot to mention that I ended my last few days of internship coming to PGH in style...
...with red eyes. I was absent for 2 days which forced the poor Valerie to go on perpetual duty. I thought that I had a viral/bacterial conjunctivitis and the pedia residents were naturally skeptic of allowing me to even chart a patient at the OPD. I now understand how it feels to be alienated. It feels really really horrible. Especially when your friends are like literally jumping out of their seats at the sight of you. Horrible. I had my eyes checked at the Sentro and the ophtha residents said that there's nothing to worry about, it's just an allergic conjunctivitis. Trigger still unknown. I had my friends back after the announcement that I'm not contagious. I then ended my internship with a perpetual duty as a payback of my absence. I'm also done with my 10 hour make-up at OB. Geez...I don't ever wanna go back there. I just wanna worry about my clearance and other stuff that I need for PRC. Grabe...this is it na talaga.

Debunking Old Theories

Theory #1: The Sweet Facade

One time, I was talking to Mac over the phone, a good friend of 22 years...
Mac: "Nabasa ko yung blog mo"
Me: "And?"
Mac: "Mabait ka raw? (chortling at the background)"
Me: "Oo raw."
Mac: "Sinabi talaga nila yun? (more irritating chortle sound)"
Me: "Oo nga raw, kaya nga nasisigawan na lang ako ng kung sino-sino."
Mac: "Eh ang sungit-sungit mo kaya! Balahura ka rin eh!"

And there goes the long 22 years of so-called friendship.

Theory #2: I can sing well

Some people say that I have a good singing voice. And so whenever there's a videoke party or some singing events in school, I've always been tossed into the centerstage, either singing solo or with a group. And so when this really old friend asked me to sing for her wedding, I told my mom about my friend's requested song...

Me : "Mommy, familiar ka ba sa song?"
Mom: "Bakit, kakanta ka ba?"
Me : "Oo raw. So maganda ba yung song?"
Mom: "Bakit ka kinuhang kumanta?" (obviously ignoring my question)
Me : "Eh ewan ko."
Mom: "Kumakanta ka ba talaga?"
Me : "Uhmm...minsan...sa school...sa plm dati...kung saan-saan. Bakit?"
Mom: "Wag ka ng kumanta. Nakakahiya naman."

Wooh mom!

The Sweet Facade

The very first time I overheard someone said that I have this sweet facade that is so deceiving, I was kinda offended by it. I mean, I never faked my "sweetness." It was never a facade. And just because I look "mabait" doesn't mean I can't be bitchy at times. This so-called sweet image had brought me good, but more often than not, bad things. Let me cite some examples.

1. Just last week, I was standing in front of PGH waiting for a bus ride when suddenly someone bumped into me and yelled, "Tatanga-tanga ka kasi!" Outraged by this, I replied "Ano sinabi mo? Bumalik ka dito!" And the woman yelled again, "Ang laki-laki ng bag mo! P*****-ina mo!" Apalled and infuriated, I just thought, "What the hell is wrong with you? I was just standing here." Of course I did not shout back at her or exchange nasty words, everybody was staring at me at the time, I didn't want to attract more attention. And besides, I don't want to stoop down to her level. I told Topher, TJ and Jun about it the next day, and they just said, "Mukha ka kasing mabait. Para kang pwedeng itulak-tulak lang sa daan."

2. I was doing my monitoring at the PACU one day, when I noticed that this co-intern that should be sharing with the monitoring duty was not monitoring at all. I couldn't tell her off to do her part. I mean, we're all adults here, right? But to my dismay, she just sat there the whole time, pretending to be busy. And then she approached me and said that she couldn't stay longer, she gotta go somewhere else. And she just left. When I told my blockmates about this, they just said, "Mukha ka kasing mabait, mukha kang di magrereklamo." Hmp.

3. I always hide from a certain resident who is known to have a "mautos" reputation. I learned different tactics to escape from her unreasonable orders. Besides, I am not rotating under her service. The reason: whenever she enters the callroom, she quickly searches the crowd for me or Ciela, because she assumes we'll take her orders like her obedient and submissive servants. And Topher pointed out again, "it's your sweet facade..."

4. During my IM rotation, I have this diabetic and renal patient who I took care of his daily needs and treated him well with lots of kindness. To my surprise, one morning, he was feeling depressed or something, he took out all his frustration and anger at me, yelling unkind and callous words at me, that I failed to take it all in professionally. I cried. I cried in front of my patient and walked out. And Ross pointed out, "Mukha ka kasing mabait. Wala namang makakagawa ng ganyan sa amin. Palaging nangyayari sayo yan."

And so the lesson of the story? I guess, be more assertive. Look assertive. How to look like one, I don't know.

Donate Blood...Save Lives

I've always wanted to do it, but due to my body weight that had never met the ideal value for my height, I've always been rejected. I felt frustrated especially during the time when my dad needed 20 bags of packed RBCs and fresh frozen plasma, and I couldn't give a part of me to prolong his life. But just today, I was able to persuade the med tech people who were doing the screening to allow me to donate my blood (it actually took a lot of smile and charms to let my weight of 44 kilograms pass through). However, they allowed to get only an aliquot of blood, about 250 mL, which is the typical amount used for pediatric patients. But at least, I am now a proud blood donor! I can now save lives! (or a life of a neonate, maybe)

When the beat keeps coming back

If there's one thing I know I'm good at, and really happy doing, it's dancing. I'm not bragging or anything, it's just a deep realization of my other passions in life. And God, how I miss dancing. As in serious dancing. I've been dancing all my younger years, but I've decided to put it all aside due to other important things that needed my attention and concentration more. I've always thought that since it's something that I've considered already a part of who I really am, I can simply go back to it whenever I please. But now, I really really miss dancing. And performing. And there's no opportunity to do so. I'll just watch all my downloaded music videos over and over again...and drool and die of envy.

Spot the difference

pa-cute

Gabriela

I was branded as "Gabriela" for animals by Chrissie, one of my blockmates, due to my unyielding fight against animal abuse. I am a hardcore animal rights activist, yelling shamelessly at some people who hurt animals in front of me. If only I'm not too busy with my intern duties in the hospital, people might find me volunteering for helping homeless dogs and cats and bringing them to shelters like PAWS. I really don't know how I got this passion for animals, I just recall when I was still a kid that I bring home kittens and puppies which I pick up from streets. My mom would scold me and put the poor creatures back to the streets.

I have 2 dogs at home, Shian and Shane, both 8 years old (56 in canine years), and a family of cats, Set, Miming and Susette. I also have an aquarium of fishes and 3 cages of lovebirds. I just love them so much, I consider them not as animals pets but as family members. People usually ask about the breeds of my dogs and cats and they usually get disappointed whenever I say that they're mixed breeds of chowchow-retriever and terrier-labrador and that my cats are actually "pusang kalye." They think I'm stupid to treat them like humans, feeding them well and even make them wear clothes (haha!) and allowing them to sleep inside my bedroom just because they are not pure breeds. "Sayang naman, they're close to being askals! Dapat mga imported lang yung nasa bahay. Pag askal, tinatali lang sa may gate" some would say. I don't know about them, but isn't that being discriminating? I mean, it's like saying don't let the blacks get inside your homes because we're all whites? Pure breed or not, they're equal, they're all canines, they are all creatures of God who are capable of doing good and they also have feelings. Yes, they have emotions. They also feel happy, sad and angry. So don't take it against the dog if they bit you because you made fun of him or beat him or pull his tail, he has all the reason to get mad at you. Just learn your lesson and be more humane next time and get an anti-rabies vaccine ASAP.

When people get shocked that Shane actually has an epileptic disorder and that we have to maintain him on an antiepileptic drug daily, which they find it ridiculous or funny, I just smile and realize more that there's still a lot of people out there who are still ignorant about animals. Like humans, they also have anatomical parts like brain, heart, lungs, and all the gastrointestinal organs you could think of...which means that like humans, they could have diseases of the brain like epilepsy, psychological disorders (yup, you read it right, psychological), hypertension, heart diseases, pneumonia, cancer...almost all human diseases you could think of. And that's not weird. Some people are just not informed. Or refused to get informed. Or use their brains. Can you feel my rage? Yup, that's why I'm called the Gabriela for animals.