The Grinch

It's 2:30 am, Christmas Day, and I just woke up. I just missed the whole christmas eve-12 o' clock-merry christmas thing again this year. I kept still, deciding if I would just go back to sleep or at least try to celebrate for the sake of the christmas season.I chose the latter and helped myself in the kitchen. I ate some spaghetti, chicken and leche flan which my mom cooked yesterday. And then I realized how sad and pathetic I am, celebrating on my own, and so I woke up the dogs and forced them to wear a reindeer headband and took their pictures.

And also took mine. Para fair.

Christmas can't be the same without dad. He was the merriest person in our family, the one who was always eager to take pictures, set the christmas table, serve dinner and dessert, gather us around the christmas tree...he was the life of all my past Christmases. And now no matter how hard I try to have the same christmas spirit, I end up feeling like a fool, cause I know that I'm really not happy, I don't have that christmas thing, and it's depressing.

Anyway, I looked around the house and I appreciated all the efforts my mom put into decorating our home, she herself, maybe, was trying to revive that christmas thing. I wish my dad could see her efforts, I think he would appreciate it too.

We didn't buy anything new. My mom has a great talent for decorating that she can make our home look different every year by recycling and mixing old and new decors. Our home looks happy, but we're not, really.

Anyway, despite the loneliness and depression, I still have a Christmas wishlist which is ofcourse, I know would remain just a list of all the things I want in life, but would never have because it's impractical and selfish to buy them because I know for a fact that I don't really need them to make me happy.

more porcelain dolls to add to my collection

a dollhouse


more miniatures

a pink kikay laptop

a palm treo

For whatever it's worth...merry christmas everyone!

random thoughts

Four days to go and I'll be leaving IM ER and shift into MICU. That's sad cause despite the stench of ER that clings to our scrub suits and the sometimes irritating demands of patients and bantays, I still enjoy the ER life. I thrive in toxicity. I like the come and go mode. And of course the duty post status. I get to sleep the whole day and wake up at night only to sleep again after dinner. It's so tiring kasi and I don't get to rest at the ER even if there's no patient cause we don't really have a "space." I also dread the idea of shifting to MICU because that means that our exam is just 2 weeks away! Ngek, all I know pa lang is reading ABGs and a bit of ECG. I need to cram...like I said, I thrive in toxicity.

--oOo--

I don't really understand the reason why we have to move to another dormitory in the middle of internship. They wanted to put all the resident doctors and interns in one building and all the nurses and nursing aids in another. Well, the new dorm that we'll be moving in is much better than our old one, there's unlimited supply of water and there's no curfew but the rooms are much smaller. And then they wanted me to pack all my belongings and stuff them somewhere else cause the nurse who's going to occupy my space had already started putting her things beside my bed while the nurse who still occupies my new space has not started moving all her things. Ang daya kaya nila. Bahala sila.

--oOo--

I just realized how hard it is to find a boyfriend these days. Not for myself (haha!) but for this friend of mine who never had a boyfriend before. If you find a really good looking guy, it's either he's already in a relationship, or he's gay (unfortunately for me)...or he's straight (unfortunately for my friend). I once found "the one" and pursued it, and failed, cause he's beyond my reach, only to realize that he had already found his love, and was also pursuing it, but also failed because she's beyond his reach. Wala lang, malungkot talaga mainlove.

singing for daddy

WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

HEALING

Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines to many times
It passes throught the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I've never listened to the words that You said
See where its lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

(break)

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

sentiments

Without a doubt, I know that I’m helplessly trapped in this dark pit of the unknown. And I’ll be trapped here for some time more. There’s nothing I can do. Since dad left, I’ve been living my life in this predetermined path. There’s no escaping it. And the mere thought of only myself to rely on, only myself to pull everything through, chokes me. It stings me. And what am I expected to do? At present, I’m just an intern, all my days and nights are dedicated to finish what’s been asked of me, what’s expected of me. And there’s no payment in return. All these mental and emotional anguish I have to bear on my own, sometimes, I stop and wonder how far I can go on like this.

hey i'm back

It's been 3 months since my community rotation/vacation/better days. Right after my community rotation, I plunged into the endless labor watching and turfing of soon-to-be-mommies to other hospitals, not to mention the unmistakable pathognomonic stench of cervical cancer patients. I thought at first that it's going to be one hell of a rotation. Well, it's not at all benign, but it's better than I expected. The only thing that made me skip with panic was the post-duty endorsements. It's only at this time that I got to read the William's Obstetrics book. I learned quite a lot, understood better this time. The residents are much nicer than the ones we had at Ospital ng Maynila. Way nicer. One big disappointment I have with my OB rotation was that in my whole 2-month-stay in their department, I only got to deliver baby twice, unassisted, and made episiorrhapy only twice too. That's about 0.5% of record I made during my clerkship. The OB residents are the ones who do the deliveries more often at PGH (I try not to think that they don't trust us or something). I finished my OB rotation with a 2-day-absence, I caught a flu and caused a contagious spread of my bacteria to my other blockmates. So I'll be back again next year for my make-up duties.

After OB, I had my Ortho and Rehab Medicine rotations. These were like breathers in between OB and Internal Medicine rotations. I got to finish the first season of Heroes, the 6th season of CSI Miami and the 3rd season of House MD. Being an Ortho intern is like being a guest cast in an all-men tv series. Most of them are really, really good-looking. The most popular of them is Dr. Louie Gaston. He was once in a shampoo commercial. Almost all interns and clerks, and even the patients, faint at the sight of him. As Ross puts it, "hindi kumpleto ang iyong PGH experience pag di mo nakita si Gaston." He's handsome, intelligent, soft-spoken, and really nice...and old rich. And then there's also Dr. Patrick Dizon. I actually have a crush on him. They say that he's also once in a shampoo or a conditioner commercial. And then the Aga Muhlach-look-alike, Dr. Pasion. He was once in a movie casted as boyfriend of Claudine Barretto. Well, that was 20 lbs ago! My rehab rotation passed by without much story to tell. I never had a rehab exposure so it was the first time that I encountered some special tests for musculoskeletal conditions and was also my first time to ever use a goniometer. That's it.

Today is my last free weekend. I know that I have to be prepared for my IM ward rotation which they say is the most toxic of all rotations. A part of me wants to panic and read through all my books, but a part of me wants to savor the last hours of "freedom." I don't know. I just wanna lay flat on my back, play dead.

Immersion it is

The second week in the barrio flew faster than the first...that's because I spent almost half of my day sleeping. Yup, I would forever think of Laiya Aplaya with much fondness, it's only during this rotation that I get to sleep 8-10 hours a day. And then another hour in the afternoon for siesta .
Anyway, Chiqui and I have already blended in with our foster family and their friends. We spend our mornings and afternoons chatting with them, getting updated with the latest chismis of the town, and betting numbers for jueteng. We help Nanay Meli with the cooking, but we don't dare taking things on our own because of our poor cooking skills. In the evening after dinner, we sit in their living room together with all the family members (and some family friends who come over everyday) and gather in front of their television to write all the prime time tv programs. Good thing, they are loyal kapamilya, ,like me, who never switch channels even during commercial breaks. We feel that we are very much welcome to their family already so we also treat them with utmost respect and love just like our own parents.
However, maybe due to our intense immersion thing that's going on, a quite funny incident happened. We've been waiting since our first day in the barrio to meet and greet the barangay chairman. He's known for his goodness and leadership and also for his ownership of one of the largest and most popular beach resort in Laiya Aplaya. In addition to that, the health center that Chiqui and I go to every day became the biggest and most funded RHU because of his efforts. And so finally this week, we were able to meet the kapitan. He has a large property beside the sea and we sat quietly while we wait for him in his lanai. When he came out we quickly greeted him good morning and expressed our apologies for not coming sooner. He glanced at us for a second and talked to his employee. After that, he came to us and asked us, "Anong kelangan nyo, bagong inodoro?" We were stunned, we could't believe what we've just heard. When we told him that we are the new interns assigned to their health center, he hurriedly said, "Ay, mga doktor pala, sige, upo kayo." He tried making it up to us by offering his beach for swimming and an invitation for dinner with his family. That was really funny. I guess we've succeeded in immersing with the barrio folks that the barangay captain wasn't able to tell the difference. Really funny. We're not sure whether to get offended with the idea that we don't look like doctors and look like an indigent instead just because we're only wearing t-shirts and shorts...we couldn't stop laughing about it.

maybe it's the t-shirt and shorts

Only after 2 weeks, Chiqui and I already managed to own a beach resort. With a lagoon. The catch: the stretch of our beach shortens during high tide and widens during low tide. Just wait for the large beach umbrellas and mini huts.

welcome to our beach: chi-an's resort

the lagoon...Php 100 entrance fee

Not over yet

It'll almost be a year now...sad memories keep flashing in my head...scenes in the hospital...walking in the avenues of Makati to get solicitations...holding his cold frail hand...watching him struggle for air...the tragic day of my life. I've never known happiness since then. I miss my dad so much, especially now that I spend most of my time either in the hospital or in Batangas. I miss him so much. I couldn't get over the fact that he is gone. Gone forever.